The heart of marriage

Till death or morning breath do you part?

T.J. and I started a new small group at church last week. It's on the book "Love and War" by John and Stasi Eldredge. We both really like John's other book, "Wild at Heart," (a must read for any men, wives of men, sisters of men, mother's of men ... you get the idea). I also read his book aimed at women, "Captivating,"  which is sort of the female-counterpart to "Wild at Heart," co-written with his wife.

"Love and War" is about how marriage is a total setup for failure. Seriously. It uses those words. It calls it a heavenly "grand conspiracy" — God uses lust and passion and the desire for companionship to suck us into these commitments, and then we discover how hard it is to live with another human being without killing them, and he uses that knowledge to mold us and transform us into the (kind, generous, loving) people that we were meant to be.

It reminds me of the subtitle of a book I was given as a wedding gift, "Sacred Marriage." It proposes, "What if God created marriage to make us holy rather than make us happy?"

It's quite the question, isn't it? What if marriage isn't about you — what if it's about your spouse? Or what if it's about neither of you and really it's about becoming more like Christ? Which brings us more to the heart of the issue: Can you have a good marriage without Christ?

A quote I've really liked so far in "Love and War" says, "Trying to have a successful marriage without God is like trying to grow a tree without sunshine and water."


I know everyone is at a different spot in their faith and beliefs and plenty of non-Christians manage to get and stay married. But perhaps they are better at being Christ-like than any of us Christians.

That's a tough pill to swallow, isn't it? But think about it — beyond compatibility, great marriages are filled with people who are patient with their spouse, forgiving, full of grace, self-sacrificing, they seek ways to serve their spouse rather than be served ... wait, this is sounding familiar, "Love is patient, love is kind, it is not self-seeking, it keeps no record of wrongs ..."

T.J. and I signed up for this study because a year into our marriage we hit a landmine. I was blown away. I never saw it coming and it absolutely derailed me. I think maybe I'd gotten cocky — "Marriage is hard? No way! This is a piece of cake!" I treasured my spouse, how compatible we were, how well we fit. And then — BLAMO — totally annihilated.

We've come back a little wiser, perhaps a little more cautious. We wanted the chance to make our marriage as strong as possible, to see what God had to say and build on that foundation. Because in 5 years, 10 years, 28 years, I don't want to be standing in the rubble of our relationship wondering where we went wrong. We're in this for life.


One thing I like about "Love and War" (and also "Sacred Marriage") is it really emphasizes that marriage isn't — or shouldn't — be about you. Your spouse's behavior is not — and should not be — the key to your happiness. What sort of pressure is that to put on a broken human being? Instead of asking, "Why won't you change to please me?" We should be striving, "How can I change to please you?"

That's where marriage reshapes us in the image of Christ — it's the most down-to-earth, put-it-in-practice application for true Christianity. Pick up your cross and follow him? Deny your flesh? Have a servant's heart (and a giver's appendix)? Marriage was created to teach us to do just that.

So every day you wake up in the same bed with someone who is sometimes unlovable. You see all their uglies — all the dirty pieces of themselves you never saw when dating. And yet you still embrace that you love them (even if maybe that day you don't like them) and you pull your head out from between your cheeks and give them all you have.

You treat them with all the kindness you wish they'd treat you with. And you let Christ transform you both.