Fear of labor pains

I'm afraid of giving birth.

There. I said it.

Do you know there's a word for it? Tokophobia. I'm not saying it's rational or anything, but it's just something that if I think about it too hard, I start to hyperventilate for a minute.

Excuse me, I need to go breath into a paper sack.

This fear is complicated for me by my belief in natural childbirth. Before I continue, I have to add this caveat: Odds are, if you are a woman and my friend and reading this, I've already heard your birthing story. In great detail. With visual aids (in the form of your small, adorable child at best and hand motions depicting your expanding vagina, at worse). Lord almighty, don't tell it again.

I think birth is very personal. I think every woman deserves to have whatever kind of birthing experience she most desires. If you had an epidural or a C-section or pulled that sucker out with your own two hands, good for you. I do not stand in judgment of your experience.

But for me, I dream of natural childbirth. There's a few reasons for this, they are backed by research and statistics that I don't know off the top of my head but learned once and so remember the general gist of it. One is that statistically, natural labor is shorter. Please don't mention your Aunt Bessie or Cousin June who had a 10 hour natural labor. My former psychology instructor would have me yell at you, "OUTLIER!" For most women, natural labor is shorter than medically-assisted labor.

I also want to be monitored as little as possible. Other statistics show that women with heart rate monitors and all those tubes, etc., are more likely to have C-sections. The reason: Doctors start worrying too early that there is a problem when there isn't, so they yank you open, when really that baby was probably just fine.

These sorts of statistics make me feel in control of my birthing process. I can think about the odds and combine all the studies and try to push everything in my favor, knowing full well it is completely out of my control when the time actually comes.

So I remain terrified of childbirth.

So I wonder — do you think if you do enough squats, it'd be easier? I'm wondering exactly how powerful your thigh, glut and ab muscles would have to be to really just have this thing sail along. I think Jillian Michaels should do a pre-pregnancy workout tape. You'd work all those major muscle groups, but instead of things getting harder as the weeks progressed, they'd get a little easier as you get fatter and fatter. But you'd still be working those thighs, practicing pushing. Maybe a little Lamaze in there, too.

I'd buy that tape. Absolutely.

OK, I need to go breath into that sack again ...