Generation gap

Recently, I was trying to explain to my mother the stresses of taking pregnancy tests (which, of course, I already blogged about here), and she totally wasn't understanding me. I was just trying to explain the stress of taking one versus the stress of buying one, etc...

Mom: How much do they cost?
Me: Like $15 for a 3-pack
Mom: Well geez! That's a lot just to pee on something! Just wait for your doctor to tell you!
Me: Mom, it costs way more than $15 to go to the doctor and the first thing your doctor is going to ask you is if you peed on the stick!
 
Turns out, pregnancy tests did not exist when my mother was giving birth to children.

Let me say that again: Did. Not. Exist.

Which helps some of my confusion tremendously. For years, I have heard  old(er) women say, "You'll know you're pregnant when your breasts are sore." or "your nipples will turn brown" or "you'll be hugging the toilet every morning," etc. This is very sage wisdom and I don't doubt it's true.

But then I read my baby books and they all say how these signs hit you between 4-8 weeks. And I sat there doing math in my head and counting days and weeks. This didn't add up. Shouldn't the first sign you're pregnant be your missed period, ladies? Why wait until your boobs are sore to take the test?

And there we have it: Because they didn't have tests. My mom knew she was pregnant when she woke up nauseated with sore breasts. She never had the final word of the E.P.T. to comfort her.

She never ever in her whole life has taken a pregnancy test. Women, can you fathom that? There is an entire generation of women that have never sat in the bathroom for five minutes going out of her mind wondering if she peed too much or too little and analyzing the darkness of those incomprehensible lines!

I. Am. So. Jealous.

Then there's my stepmom, who is a few years younger than my own mother. She didn't have a pee test for her first kid, but did for her second. She and I were laughing as she described those "old-fashioned" tests that required you hold a very small tip in your stream of urine (your morning pee) for so many seconds and how you just ended up peeing all over your hand instead.

And then it hit me: These are the same tests we're taking now. So in 20-whatever years, pregnancy tests have not evolved whatsoever. It still involves a woman waving a wand underneath herself as she squats on the toilet, trying to catch enough pee on her stick to get it to process and not get it all over her hand.

Men invented these, didn't they? There's no way a real-life woman thought this was a good idea. Only a man would think it would be easy to aim a stream of urine at a smallish target. I think men forget that women don't get to see their pee as it's happening without serious effort.

I am embarking on a campaign to redesign the pregnancy test and put an end to these ludicrous devices once and for all. Whose with me!?