The Art of Waiting

I'm not particularly good at waiting. Which at this point is pretty amusing, considering how much of it I have had to do lately.

Waiting to find out if I was getting a new job. Waiting to start the job. Every week, waiting for the weekend until TJ would be home. Waiting for him to graduate. Waiting to see if he'll get accepted to UI's MFA program. And now, waiting to see if he'll skip the MFA and have a full-time job.

On that one, we're now waiting about two weeks longer than we were told we'd have to. Which is frustrating. To say the least.

I hate waiting. I'm a planner. I want my life sketched out in lists and diagrams and 5 Year Plans. I don't even care what the outcome is. I just want to KNOW. Knowing feels infinitely more secure then Not Knowing.

At least if I knew my husband wasn't going to have a full-time job and would continue as a student for the next three years, at least then I'd know what to expect for the next three years.

Right now, I'm not sure what to expect for the next three days. Will we hear on the job? Will we need to put Clark back into day care? Or will Clark be home with daddy for the rest of the summer? (Will we survive in this heat with no A/C if that's the case?) Will we continue to live paycheck to paycheck, or will we have some breathing room for once?

This need for control and Knowing comes from that unstable place in my past where the only sense of control I had in my life was being able to plan my own trajectory. Sometimes to the detriment of my actual success and happiness.

Last week at church, we sang the song that's embedded above. It hit me like a sack of bricks. "I've heard a thousand stories about what they think you're like. But I've heard the tender of whisper of love in the dead of night. ... You're a good, good father. It's who you are."


It's so true for me. In all the chaos and all the life circumstances that I have had no control over, God has never left me for dead. He is a good Father. He cares about TJ and I and Clark. He hasn't left us hanging yet, and he's not about to start.

I forgot that message Monday morning, of course. And God reminded me yesterday again at church. We sang "I dare not trust the sweetest frame. But wholly trust in Jesus name."

And I heard God whisper, "What are you leaning on?" What am I leaning on? Am I leaning on security offered in two paychecks and steady employment? Am I leaning on a path I can see and understand? Or am I trusting that my good, good Father still has a plan? He still knows what he's doing.


God has yet to leave me, even when I had left him. When death found us on the road to Missouri, God had a plan. He got me into UI the week before classes started. He connected me with people who help restore my faith. I met TJ. God took me to South Dakota. He brought TJ there, too. He helped us get out of South Dakota six months before all of our jobs evaporated. He took us to Yakima, where opportunities opened up for TJ we weren't even looking for. He's brought TJ academic and creative success I think he'd stopped hoping for. TJ got accepted to UI's MFA program — no small feat. And now, we have the luxury of waiting to see if the MFA is the way to go, or if there's a better opportunity.

And if the MFA is the thing for the next three years, I think God knows why. He still has a plan. He knows what's coming down the road in the next three years. He knows what is best for us.

It's a truth we can lean on.

And for now — at least, for a moment, and hopefully I can hang on to it — I have a sense of peace about the next few months. TJ is home. Clark has his daddy back. I have my husband and best friend back. Our family is whole. We serve a good God that has a good plan.

Maybe the waiting isn't so bad.