A Matter of Perception

I have trauma about my hair.

It bothers some people, because they can't understand. They think it's so beautiful. It's so curly. It's so thick. How could I possibly not just love it?

It's not that I don't love it; I do. But I have trauma about it. And I spend an inordinate amount of energy on it to leave it controlled and small.

Because I have trauma about my hair. Especially having "big" hair.

In second grade, already tired of the frizzy mass and the teasing I got because of it, I chopped it all off. But then instead of being teased for having frizzy hair, I was teased for looking like a boy. "Earring boy!" some strange kid yelled at me in a McDonald's play place.

In fourth grade, it was "Fro-girl" or "You have an afro!" My mom, lovingly I know, called me "Brillo Pad."

Every hair stylist I've ever had has given me the same commentary, "WOW! Your hair is so THICK!" "Geez, you have a lot of hair!" Each one tackled it as if they were entering the jungle. Thinning shears in hand, they saw my head as something to be conquered.

It left me feeling somehow unstable and out-of-control. My hair, though lovely, was unloved.

I recently found myself in the care of a new stylist. She thoughtfully ran her fingers along my scalp at the shampoo bowl, not saying much. I could feel the weight of my hair in her hands, and was bracing for the coming commentary. She leaned in, carefully inspecting several strands. Finally, she gave her evaluation:

"Your hair actually isn't thick. Your strands are really thin. You just have a lot of strands for every follicle."

I stared at her blankly. I have thin hair?! I couldn't believe it. It felt like kindness, this woman so carefully evaluating me, and not judging me by a cursory run through. In that moment, she changed the way I thought about my hair. How I thought about myself.

In the past year, I've dealt with a lot of identity issues. Who am I? Who do I want to be? How do people see me?

Perception is a big deal. I'm coming out of a place where I was thought of in a particular way -- aggressive, unyielding, uncompromising. Grumpy. Bitchy. Mean.

After a while, it is hard to not let someone else's narrative about you become defining. Am I those things? I would sob at night and cry to my husband about feeling "broken." Flawed. Unfixable.

But am I those things they said?

Or rather, am I confident, assertive, knowledgeable. Passionate. Direct. Honest.

The filter in which we view ourselves -- and others -- changes everything. If you feel viewed a particular way, is it a self-fulfilling prophesy? Can you change the way others view you under your own power?

How would it change your life, my life, our world, if we all adjusted our filter, and viewed others with a lens of kindness and grace? If we always gave each other the benefit of the doubt on a bad day? If we worked to improve our patience with foibles.

If we all took a deep hard look at our follicles and strands and say, "You know what -- they really aren't thick after all. There's just a lot of them."

Does knowing I have lots and lots of thin hair change the way I deal with my hair? Yes, actually, it does. It makes me look at products differently. It changes the things I ask of my hair. It improves my understanding of it. Is it a life-altering, self-defining thing? No, it's not.

But that's the point: It's not the Big Things that define us. So often it's the small things -- the things you are told over and over and over about who you are. Those are things that shape the course of your every day.

What could someone say to you to unravel the misconception of yourself? What's the thing that's holding you back from re-definition?