When Life ...

In church on Sunday, our pastor began the sermon by saying the title of his message: "What do we do when our dreams can't come true."

TJ and I both had a sharp intake of breath. "I hope this isn't a sign," I whispered.

The story was about King David, and the way that his life had a way of not turning out like he'd planned — either as a result of his own sin, the sins of others, or just ... because life. In 2 Samuel 15, David is found fleeing Jerusalem (again) as his son conspires to overtake the thrown. Hiding in the wilderness is probably not what a middle-aged king anticipated at that stage.

David is, of course, a much flawed man. As we all are. But his example shines in some areas: One is his faith that God is there.

As our pastor said (paraphrased), "Our faith does not hinge on answered prayer or fairy-tale endings." What should it hinge on? That God is. When life does what life does, God is.

Maybe we aren't called to live a life of luxury. Maybe the ends will never quite meet. Maybe we will strive for something unattainable. Maybe we will be chased into the wilderness.

The question for us — for TJ and I as we face an uncertain future — is not, "What did we do to deserve this? Where is God?" The question is, "How will we respond?"


David sent the Ark of the Covenant back into Jerusalem, to let the presence of God dwell in the city instead of selfishly taking it with him. He chose to save the city instead of himself. And said, "If I find favor in the Lord's eyes, he will bring me back and let me see it and his dwelling place again. But if he says, 'I am not pleased with you,' then I am ready; let him do to me whatever seems good to him." (2 Samuel 15: 25-26)

David is famous for the psalms, in which he praises the name of the Lord and cries out for help despite his circumstances. He knows the Lord will bring him comfort in the face of his situation.

David always has a choice, and we have that same choice. Will we worship and praise and have faith that God still is — or will we turn to anger?

I've got to admit: Lately, anger has been a very attractive option. At times, I do not want to rise above. I do not want to let it go. I do not want to forgive. I want to have time to be angry — and to feel justifiably angry. No one would hold it against me, I think. Others would understand. They would feel the same.

But when I dwell on that too much, it just hurts. And I know that it's a cover up for fear: Fear that we won't be OK. Fear that what we're facing may be insurmountable. Fear that somehow, this situation will be something we don't recover from. And I want to push that fear onto someone else  — onto the people that I can say caused this for us. I want to blame. The university hiring structure. His boss. The other candidates. Politics and bureaucracy. God, for bringing us so close ... Even if TJ gets to keep his job, I still have anger.

I know that the fear and anger will really be what could unravel us all.

In the end, David wept because his son — who had betrayed him and pushed him into the wilderness — was killed. Others couldn't understand his mourning. But a parent knows: Even if your child breaks your heart, your love for them won't stop. It's a picture of how God sometimes mourns us even in our poor choices. David cries, "If only I had died instead of you!" (2 Samuel 18: 33).

Isn't that just what Jesus did for us? We chase Him into the woods, and He'd still rather be the one to perish. He wants us to have the chance to grow closer to Him, to be refined in His fire and to come out a more perfect creation.

Today, I am feeling the heat of refinement. I know that God is giving me the choice: No matter the outcome, chose life. No matter the outcome, chose faith. No matter the outcome, chose forgiveness and love and peace. Don't hold on to the anger. Don't hold on to the fear.

When life — God.

Lord, no matter the outcome, I pray you give us the strength to remain faithful and know that you are with us.