The Willingness to Face It

Here are a few things I'm not good at:

• Waiting patiently. 
• Trusting others with my fate.
• Not knowing the endgame.
• Most sports.
• Resisting temptation (particularly desserts).

Except for the sports thing, this list explains why I maybe have been a little edgy lately. In the new few weeks, my husband will find out whether or not he gets to keep his job. 

I wasn't super concerned about this a while ago, as we had multiple irons in the fire. I thought the prospects of him landing another position were actually quite high. Maybe he didn't even really want to keep the job he was in.

And then, the irons started to cool. Plan B came back a solid "no." And like a sack of bricks, it hit me: My husband could lose his job. The only job prospect we even really have.

Come June 30, our income could be cut nearly in half.

That's when the panic attack started.

Since then, I pretty much can't sleep. All dieting came to a screeching halt. I'm edgy and grumpy. So is he. The process is a stressfest unlike anything I've ever experienced.

I've been really struggling with this idea of "having peace" in the whole thing and "trusting God," "lean not on your own understanding." Blah blah blah. My logical mind isn't having this. I have crunched the numbers, and they flat do not add up. We. Will. Be. Screwed.

Then today in church, I was quietly zoning out, half listening to see if I could hear my kid's crying coming up the stairs, half listening to the video sermon about the Israelites and their determined cry for a king -- despite God's promise to them that a king will be absolutely terrible and they will hate it.

Our lead pastor was challenging people to examine the idols in their lives -- what is that thing that you value more than God? More than your faith? And it hit me.

I value my stability.

And then I heard it -- that still small voice, asking a little too persistently, "Can you give up an income and still trust Me?"

Can I? I don't know. the lifelong Christian in me says, "Oh yeah! Totes! God, I know you got this. You've brought us through so much already. You got us here!"

The more cynical part of me said, "Are you nuts?"

This thing has been eating at me. The various pieces of it. There's a lot of drama. If he loses his job, there's a good possibility it will irrevocably damage some of our most intimate relationships. Not out of anyone's fault -- but just because that's how it is. It may be too awkward to overcome. We'll have to pull our kid from daycare. We'll never be anywhere near buying a house. Our goals, our plans, our dreams --

My dreams --

Poof.

In the end, it's all just worry, isn't it? I can crunch the numbers and plan the budget, but nothing will actually prepare me for the shock if it really happens. And, who knows, TJ may be able to keep his job and all the planning will have been for nothing. 

So maybe God's question is really, "Can you give up the worry and still trust Me?"

I am starting to realize what God might truly be asking of us: He is not necessarily asking us to walk through this trial -- though I really do know that He'll be with us if we do. I believe now what He is asking us is whether we are willing to walk through it. 

Isn't that one of those subtle, Christianese kind of distinctions? But it's the heart of the faith: God says He will be with you. He says there is a plan. No promises that it's a plan you'll like, or a plan that brings you the success you were looking for. But it's His plan, and he knows the endgame.

Are you willing to follow, knowing the plan isn't your plan? 

Are TJ and I willing to hand over the next few months and say, "OK. If that's what you're asking us to do -- we'll go." Can I rest in the peace knowing that He is still God, regardless of how many incomes we have? 

Can I lift my life up with an open hand and say, "Here you go. Whatever you want to do with it." And then can I relax into that outcome -- whatever it is -- confident that God brought us to it and we're right where He wants us to be?

I'm getting closer.