Choices and God's Will

"I think I made a mistake," I told my bestie on the phone recently.

I'd been struggling with the idea for a few days. There's Choice A in our life right now, and Choice B. At times, I feel like A is really the only option. The one I'd felt a twinge in my heart strings for. The one I was holding out hope for.

But then B. B came out of nowhere -- B was the Out of the Blue choice. The one that, "Well, that has to be God because I wasn't looking for it." So we pursued B. And A. Simultaneously

And throughout, a door creeps open, and we walk a little bit down Path A. But then another door, and we walk a little bit down Path B. And at some point we know -- we know -- that they will diverge.

"Which one is God's path?" is my real question. And last week, after watching Choice A develop in an unexpected way, I admitted to my friend, "I think I made a mistake." I made a mistake pursuing B. What if it's not God's plan? What if A is so clearly the thing, and what if now I've opened this B door and I've laid this path, and it isn't God at all, and I am being set up to have to make a painful decision that doesn't make sense on paper, or otherwise make a mistake of choosing an option that's not "God's Will."

"Why do you think there's anything you can do that will put you outside of God's will?" she challenged me.

I knew what she said was Truth because I instantly choked up. There it was: All the fear and the insecurity -- stuck in my throat in a ball of emotion. "How do you know it won't? How do you know I won't ruin my life and my family by making the wrong choice?"

That's the question, isn't it? The ultimate question that we wrestle with so often in our faith: If God has a One True Path for me, what if I screw up? Will I be able to get back on?

And here's the Truth: God's plan for your life -- for my life, for TJ's life -- is not situation-specific. Our life -- His plan -- exists in the margins of Grace.

I have told TJ this myself, but I forget it so quickly: God's call on our lives is to love Him, and serve Him, and obey Him.

I needed that outside voice to remind me. There is nothing you can do that will shoot you outside of the will of God.

God called Jonah to Nineveah. And Jonah said, "yeah, no. I'm not going to do that." He actively ran -- actively ran -- from God, and yet God still found him, still reached him. Still showed him the power of obedience. And in the end, Jonah went.

I have run from God. And God reached me. And he pulled me back.

We are not currently running from God. Which is almost a more insecure feeling, because as much as I have faith that God will rescue me if I fall away, I have less experience with having room to make "choices" about big moments in our life. What if God is giving us the choice here? "A or B," he says. "It's fine. It doesn't impact my ultimate purpose for you. Do whichever you'd like."

So then what my real question is becomes, "Which one gives me the life I've been wanting to have? Which one is the softest road? Which lets me buy a home, which lets me be financially better off, which leads to more success for me and my husband?"

Which one promises that I won't have to struggle anymore?

That's what I want, really. I want to stop struggling. I want to achieve What I Want, and I'm afraid that financial success and enjoying a few soft years isn't part of the bigger picture. So I have fear, I have insecurity. I want the roads to lay flat and straight before us because I feel like, at least if I know, really feel like I know, that I am where God has called me to be, that I can deal with the struggle -- as we always have.

And I can hear God's little whisper, "You're just going to have trust me."

"Trust in the Lord with all your heart, and lean not on your own understanding; in all your ways, acknowledge him and he will direct your paths." - Proverbs 3:5-6