Divorce. Depression. Suicide. Health problems.
With each round of new pain, TJ and I also felt it. Watching someone you care deeply about suffer as their life spirals out of control feels horrible. You want to help. You want to fix it.
You can do nothing.
But, one thing TJ and I have decided to do is take a stand.
Like so many families it seems, TJ and I both have family histories of alcoholism and addiction. Generations of men in our lives have been harmed by this substance. And every day, we see the legacy play out.
I have no memories of my grandfather without a drink in his hand. Because of alcohol, TJ did not know his father's father, whose life met a tragic, alcohol-fueled end. Throughout his life, my husband has watched his own dad's life head down that same road.
My parent's marriage was burdened by alcohol. The men in my family all drink heavily. My brother admits to throwing up blood most mornings because of drinking the night before. He's 32, but Lord knows how much longer his liver has left. I see the hold alcohol has on the lives of those I love, and I fear the end of it.
I have a son. He idolizes his "bapa," as he calls TJ. He mimicks what he says. He likes what he likes. And he's not even 2 years old. While talking to my own father about some issues recently, he asked, "What are you going to do to keep Clark away from alcohol?"
What indeed.
Growing up, my mother treated alcohol as toxic -- except if she wanted to have a wine cooler with her sorority girls. Dad made it a special privilege -- a thing that the men did. A way to bond with his sons (I'm sure the way he bonded with his dad). Real men can hold their liquor. And so they snuck it behind mom's back and it became special and wonderful. And addictive.
Because of my fear of my family history, I have never really drank that much. Yes, I had a party stage in college and have had my drunken moments, but it's not something I do that much. For one thing, I get very paranoid when I'm drunk and decide that I will die of alcohol poisoning in a pool of my own filth, and won't my mother be ashamed.
Instead, I turned to other addictions: Food. And, for a while, weed. It's a personality trait I'm very much aware I have. Because of his diabetes, TJ doesn't drink much of anything anymore, and instead battles his own addiction-manifestations.
But, we still live the life of addiction. How often do you have a bad day and say, "Man, I could really use a drink."? Even if you don't mean it, it's still setting up a lifestyle where alcohol is a preferred stress-reliever, when perhaps what you really need is a hug.
We don't want Clark to live the life we've lived of having parents with alcohol issues. Above all, we don't want his potential to be waylaid by addiction.
So this year, we aren't drinking. Not from some moral high ground, and not as a way to cast judgement on those who do. We are not greater. Those who chose to drink are not lesser. We just are making a choice. We aren't drinking as a way to say to those we love, There is life without alcohol. There is joy. There is fun. Parties don't need booze. Dinner doesn't need wine. Food still tastes good. Love still exists.
We are not drinking as an example to our son. That nothing should keep you apart from God. That stands are worth taking. That life is More Than what a party-society wants from us. That it is OK to have a drink from time to time. But nothing should rule us.
"All things are lawful for me," but not all things are helpful. "All things are lawful for me," but I will not be dominated by anything. 1 Corinthians 6:12.
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