A new year, a new you -- well, maybe.

Recently I was out having a birthday drink with the girls when one asked me, "What do you want to accomplish in your 30th year?"

I had two things 1) Quit breastfeeding. And 2) Have some sort of change at my job.

One I can control. The other I can't (but feels somehow inevitable).

Regardless, they were both cop-outs. Neither was what I really want to accomplish during the last year of my 20s. The thought that immediately popped into my head was this:

I want to stop thinking about my weight.

Since I was 23 I have been on Weight Watchers, off and on. That's 6 years. Recently, I also started trying the IsaGenix product line and have horribly failed at having a 30-day cleanse. I've lost weight. I've gained weight. I've lost weight. I got pregnant. I lost my baby weight. I've been stuck on pretty much the same size and shape and weight for, essentially, 5 years now and I'm not overly thrilled about it.

But.

I'm so sick of thinking about it.

I'm so sick of looking at everything I eat and analyzing it: Carbs. Fiber. Protein. Fat. Points. Low-glycemic. I'm sick of feeling guilty. I'm sick of feeling burdened.

I'm tired of not being able to just enjoy my food for food. To splurge for splurgings sake. To eat healthy because I want to, not because I have to.

I want to be happy in my skin. I want to be happy in a size 16, sometimes 14. I want to love my baby belly. I want to embrace being mildly fit.

And I can't.

Because I have 29 years of societal programming and self-image problems so I can't do any of those things. Because every time I turn around, a new report is telling me how my cholesterol will make me die too young. Or I'm going to get cancer. Or I'm going to end up 300 pounds. Or get diabetes. Or my child will.

There's too much pressure to look good, to be healthy. I can't stand it anymore.

After 29 years, I just don't want to think about this every day.

Part of the reason is because I feel like I've failed. I rejoined Weight Watchers last summer, and I did good and lost my baby weight, and now I'm stuck at the same ol' spot. 190-something and yo-yoing up and down the same 4 pounds. I thought the IsaGenix would kick-start me, but I hate the program, I kick myself for how much it cost, and so I sabotage instead of embracing and just going for it.

I want to magically drop 10 pounds and be able to say "180!" And be done.

But life doesn't work that way. To get weight loss you have to work hard and push for it. You have to stop enabling yourself and your husband to eat out whenever you want. You have to be strict. You have to try. You have to push off those plateaus and not give up.

And right now I am so burnt out on motivational speeches, weight-loss tips and "you can do it" chants I could just barf. I just want to eat food like a normal person and not think about this anymore.

For my 29th year, I want to stop thinking about my weight.