Not my will ..

For the past year, and earnestly for the past 6 monthsish, we've been praying for God to bring a new job for TJ. We knew that God had brought the customer service job he had, just when we needed it. But we felt the time had come for something else. So we prayed. And prayed.
And prayed. And prayed.

And Teej had interviews, got his hopes up, got his dreams dashed, kept going. Kept applying. Kept interviewing. Kept getting more and more frustrated at his dead-end service position. And we felt like each job he applied for was better than the last, and we kept waiting, knowing -- KNOWING -- that God was bringing something great.

And so we prayed and prayed.



In November, Tj interviewed for a great position at the college. Good benefits, tuition breaks, part-time but still good pay. A good schedule for helping with the Wee Baby Clark. And we prayed through Christmas, waiting and waiting.

And the new year came, and he didn't get it.

At which point I just started crying. I couldn't take it anymore. Why was God doing this to us? What in the world were we supposed to learn? I screamed and sobbed and thought horrible thoughts. I knew God hadn't abandoned us, but I felt hopeless. I felt like he was leading us on for no reason.

And then ... TJ applied for another job at Central. A student job, less pay, less hours. Decent hours, though. But no benefits. No tuition break. A chunk out of our finances every month. I saw the job description and knew instantly -- this was the one. This was the job. And I said, "Oh shit."

And then I prayed some more -- "Please God, not this one. Please don't do this to me. Please, when I'm two months from having a baby, don't make us take a several-hundred-dollar-a-month pay cut."

God suddenly had several things to teach me, things I wasn't going to make it through this without learning. The No. 1 lesson in my life is always the same: Trust Me. I can hear God whispering it to me all the time, as I scream in frustration at the ceiling, or the inside of my car or I have a horrible emotional breakdown and sob uncontrollably on the couch. "Trust Me. Trust that I can do this. Trust that I will still Be Here."


I know it's true. God has never let me go hungry. He has never left me in the gutter, even when I went there on my own. He has always protected me, and financial manifestations of His love have always been a part of my life. I know God isn't going to let Clark starve. He will take care of us.

That never makes it less scary. But in a way, it is kind of exciting. What will God's provision look like this year? How will God pour out on us?

TJ started his new job last week. He loves it. It's a great group of people, full of enthusiasm about the work they are doing. Every day he will go to work and build on the skills he actually needs to get a good job after graduation, rather than putter around in  angry-customer hell. No longer will his job make him physically ill with stress or give him migraines. He won't have to get up at 3 a.m. to go to work.

And he still gets to stay home with the baby and raise his son when I'm at work.

And I'm grateful. Our prayers were answered. Not, of course, in the way we wanted. Or in the time we wanted. But in God's time, in God's way. And the knowledge that this is what God wanted and not what we necessarily wanted is incredibly comforting.

Because when the panic starts to creep up on me again and I want to pull control of our lives back in to my own hands, I can still hear God whispering at me, "Trust me. Just trust me."

And I have to take a deep breath and say, "OK."