Scared shitless

Hello Toilet, my old friend...

I started reading my pregnancy book months ago. I wanted to be prepared. I got most of the way through the third trimester section when I got distracted by, well, more interesting literature.

So I started reading it again last week, planning on pacing myself through my actual stages of fetal development. And now that I am really pregnant, I keep having one basic recurring thought: "That is so gross..."

Seriously. There are some things that happen to the human body during pregnancy that I never even fathomed before. And frankly, they freak me right out.

Some examples:
1. I have 10 percent more blood today than I did seven weeks ago. 10 percent. That's half a liter. Between now and birth, I will create 40-50 percent more blood. About three quarts. That's several pounds of blood. I wonder, if I prick my finger, will it just come shooting out of me like a water cannon?

I think that this blood thing is proof that vampires aren't real. If they were, no pregnant woman would ever deliver, because she would have been eaten. I mean, come on! Three extra quarts of blood! I am a friggin' vampire buffet, right here!

While describing this to my husband, he pondered, "Where does it all go?" And I said, "Where do you think it goes! It comes pouring out of me during labor."

Of course this conversations took place in the line for Arby's, and the other restaurantgoers were giving us dirty looks.

2. I can't poop. Look, poop is gross, I get it. People don't like to talk about it. But my emotionally 13-year-old-boy husband and I love talking about our Movements. We spend an inordinate amount of time talking about what happens in the bathroom, as well as complementing each other on our abilities to create gases. A great joy in my life has been taken from me.

My Friends with Kids (or FWKs), tell me this is a result of all the extra hormones jiggling up my digestive system. It makes you feel queasy and throw up, it gives you heartburn. It stops your pooping. But I swear, it's not just that I can't. It's like it's not even there. Where did it go? Is the baby requiring so much of my nutrients that I am incapable of producing waste? Or is my body storing it up somehow, holding onto it for 9 months, whereupon it shall all be released on the delivery table?

3. Breasts. When I called to tell my mom I was pregnancy, all I said was, "Mom. My breasts have been sore for two solid weeks." and she said, "It took you this long to tell me!?"

She knew. She's always told me that'd be the first sign. And there it is. But it isn't. going. away. They are still sore. I can't take it. They hurt in my bra, they hurt out of my bra. And geeez-us, the growing! After getting out of the shower this morning, I asked T.J., "Do my boobs look bigger?" And he said, "Yep!" with a big ol' grin on his face. Of course, he's thrilled. Except that he can't touch them.

But the boobs just get grosser, I'm told. All my FWKs keep saying, "Wait until your milk comes in! Then they get really hard!" And I've seen lactating nipples. Truly frightening.

Recently I was on the phone with my dad, and he was saying that my stepmom was going to get me a really nice breast pump. Sez Dad: "You know, one of those things so you can send milk with the baby."
Sez my stepmom, from the background, "That's not the sort of thing a daddy explains!"
Replies Dad: "Well, I use to be a dairy farmer, ya know!"

I nearly died.

And then there's what happens if you have extra milk. My mom loves to tell the story about how at the end of the day, she'd wait to take her bra off until she got into the shower, because milk would just come shooting straight out of her nipples. Like a water pistol.

Oh, the things to look forward to.

It wouldn't be so bad, if only I could poop.